HBP  The Lightning Struck Tower
by Michael Dempsey
Summary: Dumbledore is an agitated and confused old man who swears a lot. Malfoy likes sandwiches and screams like a girl. Here's yet another of my ridiculous but hopefully slightly amusing HP fanfics.


Dumbledore is an agitated and confused old man who swears a lot. Malfoy likes sandwiches and screams like a girl.

**HBP - The Lightning-Struck Tower**

'Severus,' whispered Dumbledore, 'please…'

Snape stepped forward, his face full of rage and hatred. He pointed his wand at the headmaster. Then he dropped it. He clutched at his chest with both hands as his face went pale and his eyes widened. He began to wretch. Then he dropped to the floor, eyes closed, silent and unmoving. He was either dead or unconscious.

'****,' said Dumbledore. He noticed that he was now defenceless and surrounded by a gang of very dangerous-looking Death Eaters. He was not afraid to die, but he was hoping to be able to go quickly and painlessly. Looking at his options now that Snape had become indisposed, Dumbledore realised that his wishes would not come to fruition.

As Fenrir Greyback began walking towards him, a malevolent grin spreading across his wolfish features as he calmly stepped over the form of Snape, Dumbledore's mind turned to Harry, the only one who could help him out of this… Harry, the Chosen One, who could be the master of the Elder Wand…

'You know,' Dumbledore said quickly, making Greyback pause in his prowling, and Bellatrix freeze as she raised her wand, and Draco stall as he raised the Greggs sandwich to his lips, 'Potter's in the room directly below this one. He's the one the Dark Lord wants, right? You should take him and leave now.'

'That's a good idea, Albus,' simpered Bellatrix, her eyes gleaming, after a moment's hesitation. Still smiling, she directed her wand at the floor. '_Accio Harry Potter_!'

With an agonised yell and a splintering crash that sent the Death Eaters scattering, Harry exploded upwards through the floorboards. Chunks of wood and debris hurtled outwards in an arc at the centre of which the unconscious and bleeding Harry rose and drifted towards Bellatrix's outstretched wand.

'No, no!' cried Dumbledore. 'That's not what I meant! Oh, ******* ****, I'm going to have to come up with a new ******* plan now…'

Harry reached Bellatrix and the latter retrieved a rectangular paper envelope with a transparent plastic window from her robes, and she forced Harry inside it (she had performed an Undetectable Extension Charm on the envelope and taken it with her from Malfoy Manor, just in case).

Dumbledore started running towards Bellatrix. 'You're not taking Harry with you – AAAAAAAAAAAAH!' He had plunged into the gaping hole in the centre of the floor.

Meanwhile Greyback was furiously rubbing his eyes with his fists. 'Oh no, I got dust in my eyes, I don't know who to attack! Hang on, there's someone over here – GRRRRRR!' He bit down on flesh and heard an effeminate scream. 'Oh, sorry, Bellatrix!'

'What for?'

'Wait, that wasn't you? But then… _Draco?_'

'What the hell did you bite me for? When my father finds out -,'

'Well, I couldn't see you! And then I thought it was Bellatrix -,'

'Look, just leave it!' said Bellatrix. She had picked up Harry and slung him over her shoulder in a fireman's lift, and now wandered over to the balcony. 'I think we should just get out of… _what the -?_'

Fawkes the phoenix sailed by, clutching Snape in his talons. Snape was hanging by the shoulders of his robes and he was screaming in terror. The sound was matched by Fawkes' angry squawking; it was as though the phoenix was telling Snape off, his beak snapping open and closed, open and closed. It didn't last long though; Fawkes shut up and then released Snape. Snape's cry became distant as he plummeted into the darkness of the Hogwarts grounds.

Fawkes disappeared into the stormy clouds; Bellatrix watched him go with her mouth slightly open, but she lingered there too long, because a sudden jagged fork of lightning threw the tower into sharp relief as it struck her directly in the heart. Harry fell to the floor a second before Bellatrix crumpled, motionless.

Greyback took one look at all that had befallen the astronomy tower before Disapparating in panic. Malfoy stayed just long enough to finish his sandwich before he too vanished with a pop.


End file.
